Freedom to Marry

Valentine’s Day, and the days that followed, were pretty amazing.
Bill and I came home to a phone message
from Maryann and Cynthia letting us know
they were headed to San Francisco to get in line for a marriage license.

You know Cynthia and Maryann are respected leaders here.
Both have been recipients of our church’s flaming chalice award
for distinguished service.
They can be counted on to bring their best selves to the work of the church.
They were a part of the committed couples class here this fall.
They could have led it.
Maryanne is an investment broker, Cynthia is a school psychologist.
In their twenty-four years together,
they have made a beautiful and loving home,
where they have raised their daughter Aija.
When Aija was a young child they did the legal work
for Cynthia to be Aija’s legal guardian.
The program of the news show 20/20 recorded in the 1980s
shows an upstanding, church-going lesbian family.
Why on earth would Cynthia and Maryann
be denied the legal rights of marriage?

Bill and I have friends who have three month old twin boys.
On a recent Saturday, Bill and I took the boys
for a long four hour stroll.
We came back to their home, changed the boys’ diapers,
fed them, burped them, and sat holding them,
when their moms arrived home from their first outing
without the boys since they were born.
Rachel and Sally are our dear friends.
We presided at their wedding seven years ago.
In the wedding ceremony, Sally and Rachel spoke to their parents,
Helen and Joe, LeRoy and Diana appreciating their presence,
recognizing and thanking them for their love
which has shaped their lives.
They spoke to their immediate and extended families
naming how important was the presence
of all these brothers and sisters and their families
who have nurtured and challenged them to become the
loving and committed people they are.
The family called out a resounding, joyful, “We will”
to loving, supporting and blessing this marriage.
Then in the presence of these loving family and friends,
Sally and Rachel spoke their vows.

Rachel and Sally have each lost their mothers since that wedding day.
Bill and I want to be like extended family and be a part of the boys’ lives.
Sally and Rachel went through so much
to bring Nathaniel and Fenner into the world.
Both Rachel and Sally have loved them since before their conception
as they made all the life and death decisions they had to make to get pregnant.
Rachel carried the boys and Sally has been as involved as any father is,
yet we are having to write letters to support Sally
being recognized as a legal parent.

After hearing Cynthia and Maryann’s message,
I called over to Sally and Rachel’s,
I got an answering machine.
As I left a message,
saying I hoped they and the boys were over in line at City Hall
getting their marriage legalized,
I felt the importance of the significant, historic moment.
I started weeping.
Why on earth would Rachel and Sally
be denied the legal rights of marriage?

I called Cory and Doug
who were also a part of our fall committed couples class.
A few weeks before, Bill and I joined them in blessing their new home.
We walked into each room
and Doug and Cory spoke their hopes and dreams.
These dear men bring their full selves
to making a committed, loving relationship.
Why on earth would Cory and Doug be denied the legal rights of marriage?

Five years ago, two young men Matt and Eric
chose to be married in a Sunday Service.
I had never done that before.
They said the church felt to them like the family
who was supporting their union,
almost like the father in a traditional ceremony who gives the bride away.
They said they had the hidden agenda of
wanting to get church members
who would never go to a union ceremony to one
and of wanting to get their friends
who would never go to church to one.
At the point in the service when we asked for all who pledged
their love and support to say, “I do.”
There was a spontaneous cheer and long applause.
To feel all that love was amazing.
And though Eric and Matt moved to Philadelphia,
on Valentine’s Day I received a card from them,
and they carry that moment with them always.
Why on earth would dear Matt and Eric
be denied the legal rights of marriage?

We received this email message
from two newer church members: A.B. and June.
“We can't believe it, but it's true, after being together 23 and 1/2 years
and thinking this would never happen in our lifetime,
after a four hour wait in lines, we are married!!!
What a blessing to wake up on Valentine's Day as newlyweds!!!”
Why on earth would June and A.B. be denied the legal rights of marriage?

Jan and Lana were off on Valentine’s week-end,
marking their fifteenth anniversary.
They returned and went to City Hall.
Jan is treasurer of our church, a talented, good-spirited,
good-energy person and leader.
Years ago she and Lana had a wedding celebration
with their loving family and friends.
They have built their relationship on good communication
and intentional care for each other.
Why on earth would Lana and Jan be denied the legal rights of marriage?

Seventeen years ago when I first presided at a ceremony of holy union,
I wondered if the ceremony would feel like a parody of a wedding.
I spent time with these women, planning their ceremony.
Their love and commitment was obvious.
I like their ceremony, the gathered friends and family,
the presence the two women gave to each other and to the words they spoke.
This was no parody; it was a sacred rite.
I am honored to have presided at their authentic, loving ritual of commitment.
Why on earth would this couple be denied the legal rights of marriage?

When I meet with a couple to plan their wedding,
I say it is difficult for me to participate in legal discrimination.

If the couple is a bride and groom, say Jack and Jill,
I offer them these words for their wedding:

“The promises that Jack and Jill will make to one another here today
are recognized by this state and all of the United States,
but we know this right is denied to many
whose love and commitment is just as strong.
Civil marriage licenses are not available to all loving couples,
and we take this moment to remind ourselves to work for change.
May love wherever it is found be celebrated and recognized.
Let us celebrate Jill and Jack’s love.”

If the couple are two grooms or two brides, I offer these words.

“It is not easy for two people to love one another.
It is not easy when they are both of the same gender.
It is not easy to proclaim your affection, your attachment, your bond openly
for many are not yet willing to see beyond their own fears
and celebrate the love which we are witnessing this day.

You two are doing it, with candor and with grace.
You are forging new paths of growth for many of us,
and we are touched deeply
that you are joining your lives.
We see the love between you,
and we know your days together will be good,
for you and for us all.”

Some Unitarian Universalist ministers have been unwilling
to participate in the legalized discrimination of marriage.
They preside at the religious ceremony.
They do not sign the marriage license.
The couple pays a fee at the courthouse for the legal license.

Unitarian Universalist ministers in New York performing
same gender weddings have been arrested.

Though it was once the case that the right of marriage was denied
to a mixed race couple, we can’t imagine such an injustice now.
Someday through our actions now,
people will not believe that same gender couples were once
denied the right of marriage.

I am proud of Mayor Newsom and San Francisco for defying state law,
for a city’s act of civil disobedience.

Newsom is obeying a higher law,
holding to the state constitution,
to equal protection under the law.

The first to marry on that Thursday were a couple
who have been together for fifty-one years.
Why on earth would this couple be denied the legal rights of marriage?

With us today as Susan Lankford’s guest is Mary Newlund.
Mary was an early activist for lesbian rights.
Her partner Martha died just over a year ago.
They had celebrated fifty years together. Why, oh why?
What an injustice that they were not able to be legally married.

You know, the law’s a little weird anyway.
One of our former intern ministers is a transgender man.
He and his partner have two children.
His partner’s mother is a rabbi
and she married them on the terrace of our church.
At the time of the marriage Sean was legally male,
and Laurance was still legally female
so these two women who have become men
are legally married.

I have commended to you Laurance and Sean
practice of keeping shabbat.
Each Friday evening, Sean and Laurance place their hands
on the heads of their children and name strengths they have seen in them.
They bless them and tell them how glad they are to be their parents.

As a part of the ritual, Laurance and Sean take off their wedding rings
and then place them back on each other’s fingers
saying why they would marry the other again.
Theirs is a loving, committed family.

Some say a legal marriage is only between a man and a woman.
These two men are legally married.
Marriage is something you can’t define by gender.

There is no reason on earth
that Maryann and Cynthia, Rachel and Sally,
Doug and Cory, Matt and Eric, A.B. & June,
Jan and Lana, Sharon and Andrea, Angela and Isobel
and thousands and thousands of other couples

should be denied the legal rights of marriage that Sean and Laurance,
Bill and I, and so many of you have.

One thousand and forty-nine federal rights come with marriage.
Married status brings legal and financial benefits for taxes, retirement, property ownership, inheritance, insurance rates, family and medical care.

After the first wedding at city hall,
hundreds of couples,
like Cynthia and Maryanne, A.B. and June….
lined up for hours.
One of the people in the line said,
“We’ve been waiting longer than Britney Spears’ marriage lasted.”

One newly married person said, “We’ve been together thirty years,
and we’ve been married one day….
I can’t imagine anyone wanting to take this away from us.”

Other cities and counties have offered marriage licenses,
voted to recognize the marriages with legal benefits.

In San Francisco, the champagne corks kept popping.

Bill and I were honored and glad to preside
at Doug and Corey’s wedding on March 10 at City Hall.

As we approached City Hall, we saw signs. “Oh, noooo, protesters,”
but as we got closer, we saw they read “Free Tibet.”

City Hall seemed like it must be the best place to work-
such a joyful noise,
sounds of clapping and cheers,
strangers greeting each other,
children and parents of couples smiling, hugging,
patient, friendly staff and clerks.

Corey and Doug, witnessed by four dear friends,
stayed present with one another,
even when a big microphone lowered between them
and a CBS camera zoomed in on their tears,
as they spoke their vows.

The next day people completed their vows but couldn’t file their licenses.
Or were in the midst of filling out their papers,
Or were in flight to San Francisco, when the halt came.

Couples like Bryan and Rod who had appointments
were not able to keep them.

In the midst of all the weddings,
an article in the San Francisco Chronicle reported,
“For the moment, gay and lesbian couples in San Francisco may find it easier
to get a civil marriage license than the full blessings of a church wedding.”

Unitarian Universalist ministers,
with the support of the Unitarian Universalist Association,
and by an official resolution passed at our General Assembly,
have been presiding at same gender wedding ceremonies since the 1970s.

In 1999 our church hosted a service honoring interfaith clergy
who preside at same gender weddings.
Some of those clergy courageously defy their religious traditions
to follow their conscience and do what they believe the spirit calls them to do.

At the service a Methodist minister invited
all same gender committed couples
to come down to the front of the sanctuary.
He invited all the clergy to surround them and place a hand on them
and offer their support of their sacred act of commitment
in the face of the country’s discrimination.

This is a matter of love and justice.

You know people and groups of people are afraid,
doing all they can to challenge these marriages,
and invalidate licenses that were issued.

There are religious groups who are declaring this a sin.

The Chronicle reported that the more church-going a person is,
the more they are opposed to marriage equality.
We are turning that on its head.

We, Unitarian Universalists, are speaking out, acting,
making our religious beliefs known.

Your telling the stories of the couples in your church makes a difference.
The world needs our vision of community.
Make known our affirmation of the worth and dignity of each person,
our inclusive circle that celebrates and recognizes and advocates for
love wherever it is found.
Keep on until we find our vision has been made real.

Let us Unitarian Universalists get all our beautiful banners
out of our churches and on to the steps
of city and county halls and courthouses.

To loving and committed couples,
To courageous city officials and clergy,
To a witnessing world,
let us keep on offering our Unitarian Universalist presence
in affirmation of and joyful support of
love and justice.

Will the people say, “Amen”?

Centering in Word and Dance
Dancers Jurgen Schwing, Roger Dillahunty, Laura Zulch-Hays, and Sarah Bush
danced to these words.

Spirit of Life, of Love,
be present in us
awaken us now
this marvelous moment.

This moment
full of love

This moment
full of power

This moment
full of beauty

This moment
full of meaning for our precious human family

Open our hearts
Open our minds
Open our eyes and ears

Let love wherever it is found be celebrated and recognized.

“You marry, not for reasons of state
or children
or parents
or friends,
but for yourself and the one you love, in gratitude.
You are setting up a sanctuary and know that it is fragile.
You marry to be worthy of a gift,
and want to say so and then rejoice” (John Leonard).

When you say to one another, “I love you,”
be able to say, “I love in you every one.
I love through you the world.
I love life.
I love in you also myself.”
In loving one another, you make it possible to love more.

As you hold each other,
know you are held in a larger embrace.
We are all connected
and your choice of commitment affects us all.
Your commitment strengthens our fidelity to one another
for we depend on one another more than we know.

May your love for one another enlarge your embrace to include more-
to love people,
the earth,
life,
and yourselves.

So much is possible.
May love wherever it is found be celebrated and recognized.

We see the love between you,
and we know your days together will be good,
for you and for us all.

To be worthy of a gift, say so,
I do, yes, I do.
I promise with my heart, yes,
and with my mind, yes,
and with my body, yes,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
yes,
to love you always,
yes, oh yes.
To be worthy of this gift,
and say so
and rejoice,
rejoice, rejoice.  ♦