Step-Mom of the Bride

© 2009, Rev. Barbara Hamilton-Holway

Listen Now!

Today I’m going to share with you about a part of my life that has been both precious and painful. The universe seems to bring joyful times when it’s easy to blossom, and rough, hard, scary times when we really have to stretch to grow.

I grew up with this story—

There was once upon a time, a gentleman who married for his second wife the proudest and most haughty woman that ever was known…He had also by a former wife a young daughter, but of an unparalleled goodness and sweetness of temper, which she took from her mother, who was the best creature in the world.¹

And this story—

The queen died; and the king soon married another wife, who was very beautiful but so proud that she could not bear to think that any one could surpass her. She had a magical looking-glass to which she used to go and gaze upon herself... [But the king’s daughter who was as pure as the driven snow] grew more and more beautiful…fairer than [her stepmother]. ²

Haughty and proud, vain and jealous…then there was this unforgettable childhood story—

Once upon a time there dwelt near a large wood a poor woodcutter with his wife and two children by his former marriage… There was a great famine in the land… As he lay thinking in his bed one evening, … he sighed, and said to his wife, “What will become of us? How can we feed our children...?”

“Know then, my husband,” answered she, “we will lead them away quite early in the morning into the thickest part of the wood, and there make them a fire, and give them each a little piece of bread; then we will go to our work and leave them alone so they will not find the way home again, and we shall be freed from them.”³

Stepmothers are evil.

When Bill’s and my life came together, he was living in Massachusetts, his home less than 10 miles from his daughter Laura. She was ten years old and living with her mother, half-brother, and half-sister. I was living with my two children Sarah and Ben in Salt Lake City.

Eventually, Bill moved across the country to Utah. Laura loves her dad so much. The distance was heart-breaking. It’s difficult to be angry at a parent you love.

I felt like I was the bad one. I had taken her father away. I was the evil stepmother.

But I also believe there is no limit to love. We could be one big happy family.

When Laura came for a visit, we planned family activities. Sarah made a card welcoming Laura as her sister. Bill, Sarah, Ben, and I went to the airport to meet her. Laura could only look at her dad, only talk to him. My heart sank as I saw Sarah crumple the card she had made and stuff it in her pocket.

I wanted to read stories to Laura like Bill and I read to Sarah and Ben. She only wanted her father to read. When we all went for a walk, Bill and Laura walked together and Sarah, Ben, and I walked behind.

Laura referred to Bill not as “dad” but as “my dad.” Sarah and Ben were reminded that he wasn’t really theirs.

Laura wasn’t ready for one big happy family. She was just a kid, a hurting kid.She needed to be reassured of her father’s love and attention.

The hardest thing Bill had ever done was move across the country from his daughter. Bill could see Laura’s pain and he had his own. He was living in Utah with me, Sarah, and Ben, and a big part of his heart was miles away.

I could understand in my head what was happening. Still, I felt rejected. I felt I’d been stuck into the role of an evil stepmother and not seen as myself. So, I was hurting too.

Laura’s visits increasingly became time for Bill and Laura to be together. The rest of us gave them the space and sometimes I was jealous. But Laura had to make long flights across the country and then after a visit go through the agony of once again saying good-bye to her dad.

Bill made trips by himself to Massachusetts to be with her. How painful it must have been for Laura to have her dad not be a regular at her ballgames, admire her on her prom nights, be around to talk with and share her daily life. She must have felt jealous when she wasn’t a part of our vacation trips or when Bill’s holidays were with me and not with her, the times she received phone calls rather than hugs.

This was a lot for everybody. I felt like I was out in left field with no instructions, unsure how to play the game.

Sarah and Ben didn’t develop much of a relationship with Laura or her half-sister and brother, who were angry, feeling Bill, their stepfather, had abandoned Laura. And surely they felt they’d lost him too.

We were all striking out. Everyone was losing.

We were not one big happy family.

And we’re not alone. One in three Americans belongs to a stepfamily.

And stepfamilies are not alone. Being in any family is challenging. Growing up is challenging. Living in a human skin is challenging.

We all need all the help we can get.

More than a couple of decades have passed since I first met Laura. Much has happened – joys and sorrows. Laura has grown and matured. So have I. She has given her blessing to my sharing this with you.

Life events have brought us together.

She and I have shared dinners where each person lights a candle and speaks what’s been happening in our lives.

She has lost beloved grandparents.

When Bill’s father died, Laura and I sat together at the memorial service.

We celebrated together Bill’s 60th birthday.

About seven years ago Laura and her partner Dan moved into a small home with a fenced-in backyard. The previous occupant had a dog, an English Mastiff. As soon as Laura and Dan saw that dog, they wanted one. Soon Brewtus, an English Mastiff, shared their home. He almost took over their home. Brewtus grew to be nearly 200 pounds.

The backyard also came with a miniature replica of Fenway Park. Fenway Park is the home ball field for the Boston Red Sox baseball team and Laura and Dan are fans.

Dan and Laura host an annual wiffle ball tournament. They call it the BrewtusFest after their beloved dog. Eighteen teams play off for the championship. The tournament is a fun gathering for neighbors, friends, and relatives and raises money for the Red Sox favorite charity, the Jimmy Fund for cancer research.

Dan and Laura got a second dog. Brewtus and the puppy were inseparable. One day the dogs got out of the gate and ran to a highway. They both were killed by a hit and run driver. Laura and the neighbors went looking and found the dogs’ bodies. These dogs were like members of the family and Laura and Dan grieved, each in their own ways.

Bill and I went to be with them and it was a really good visit. We were with them in their sadness and accompanied them when they were ready to choose a new puppy.

Two weeks ago on August 1 st, in their backyard at home plate, Dan stood with eight guys dressed in vintage Red Sox jerseys next to Laura with her team of eight women. Bill’s mother, Laura’s 88 year old grandmother, threw out the first pitch. Nieces and nephews led the singing of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” Kids gave out peanuts and cracker jacks. Bat boys carried baseball gloves tied with rings. “ It’s a dream come true,” Laura said, “for us to combine our wedding with the BrewtusFest.”

All of us were invited to make the day about something larger than ourselves, to give to the Jimmy Fund. The fund’s representative said, “A wedding that’s a fund-raiser is a first [for us]. That bodes well for who [Dan and Laura] are as people. They’re compassionate to share their special day with such a worthy cause.”

Dan and Laura come to their relationship, like we all come to spiritual community, with what the poet Maya Angelou calls “old memories of pleasure, ancient histories of pain.”

Each person’s story is unique, all people suffer. We come here on Sundays because we are seeking courage to live healthier, more purposeful, better lives. That’s why we commit to spiritual community.

Commitment to spiritual community and to spiritual growth is life-saving.

We show up, regular folks, imperfect people, who are learning to deal with life’s difficulties. We learn from each other.

Knowing everybody has pain, our greetings to one another can become blessings.

Even when reconciliation seems out of reach, your own healing is possible.

Being a community of all ages teaches us what it is to be human. We are not alone.

Worshipping together, supporting one another, and uniting for common good leads to renewed faith and more meaningful lives. This has been true for me.

We commit to relationships, to community, because we believe the hard work of growing is worth our effort.

After the ceremony I told Laura, “You have seen your parents divorce and both find new partners and marry, your dad living miles from you. You have known loss. You’ve come through not only confident and strong, but with tenderness and an open heart, ready to love more. You are something! I give thanks for you!”

When Laura was planning the wedding, she said, “Dad will walk me down the aisle, dust off home plate and switch-hit to perform the ceremony with Barb.” When Laura wanted me to co-preside with Bill, for me it felt like the ball flew out of the ballpark, like the rush of running around the bases.

When I read what Laura wrote in the wedding announcement, tears streamed down my cheeks. “Laura is the daughter of Mary Holway and step-father Jim Pugh of Merrimac, Massachusetts and Bill Hamilton-Holway, and step-mother Barbara, of Berkeley California.” I felt included, embraced as family!

This isn’t the story of Cinderella, Snow White, or Hansel and Gretel. This is a story which includes a stepdaughter and a step mom finding their way.

We commit to relationships, to community, because the hard work of growing is worth our effort.

When Laura and Dan spoke their vows and kissed, neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, grandmother, sister, brother, half brother, half sister, stepsister, stepbrother, moms, step dad, dads and step mom cheered!

Everybody was on the same team and this was a home run!

1 Opie, Iona and Peter, “Cinderella,” The Classic Fairy Tales, Oxford University Press, 1974.

2 Opie, Iona and Peter, “Snow-Drop,” The Classic Fairy Tales, Oxford University Press, 1974.

3 Opie, Iona and Peter, “Hansel and Gretel,” The Classic Fairy Tales, Oxford University Press, 1974.